This is a familiar place. This place is the place that I have spent the greater part of my life afraid of. A place that I have tried to avoid. A place I believed was 'less than perfect' and so was flawed and in some way lesser than and not good enough...
This place I call the me of ME.
This me is self loathing, brutal, mean, critical, vicious. This me doubts the value of all of my experience. This me is horrible. BUT it is ME. A part of ME...BUT not all of ME.
This part of ME is just afraid and ultimately wants to protect ME. It is my "Dysfunctional Protector" of ME (DP OF ME). Attempting to protect ME from rejection for being 'up myself' and the sound of adolescent plays loudly here "God you love yourself"....Protect ME from hurt, loss, pain...Ultimately, all the beautiful emotions that if we are taught to embrace them, can show us who we REALLY are. The WHOLE ME.
I chose to play small...literally. For most of my adolescence I starved myself. I was starving emotionally and to connect with my mind at the time, I chose to starve myself physically. Talk about mind, body, soul connection! Hell yeah...they were connected and each reflected my ultimate spiritual anorexia.
On my journey, it is fricking amazing to me that I have encountered many teachers who have supported me in the gradual opening of my heart and soul. What I now feel is truth, that our hearts never stop opening. The expanse of vibrational reach is unending. Whilst physiologically it may not grow, energetically it does. Or so I am lead to believe. As I type I am distracted with the 'evidence' I need to back up what I am saying...mental note...find that later, it's interrupting my flow!
On this same journey I have encountered experiences that have gradually encouraged me to close my heart, bit by bit..purely for protection. I get that, and it has served me. I have made it here. Now however, I am opening...gradually..like desensitisation therapy. Leaning into it, little bit by little bit!
Now...for the 'getting it out there' (insert ultimate vulnerability).
I have a massive disconnect between my mind an my body after years of not listening to what my body is actually trying to tell me! My body has always been waiting for me to 'wake up', patiently going along with all of my weird and wonderful 'punishing'. The deprivation, the over training, the self abuse, the neglect, the self loathing, the disconnection. Not training for anything other than to distract me from ME and remind me that I am not good enough of worthy of just being ME. It is sad, I feel sad.
Body...I am sorry! I wasn't paying attention. I am so sorry for not loving you as you deserved to be love. Forgive me for I didn't know how. No one showed me how to do this. I know better now body and because I actually KNOW better on a spiritual level, I will do better. It may be messy, it may be uncomfortable...but it may actually be fun and delicious and invigorating too! I love you!
Body I am sorry I 'believed' that if I had THIS type of physical appearance, it would mean that I was worthy. In disrespect to my natural unique body, I went about ignoring all the messages from our inner guide. Our inner guide was saying "gorgeous, you are beautiful as you are. Please refrain from hurting us. Darling I want you to be who you are and do what what you love...that is all".
Body, I am sorry I listened to intently to our 'dysfunctional protector - me' 'you don't deserve that...and anyway, life is hard, it isn't meant to be fun, easy, pleasurable is it? Stay safe here. Sure, it is painful, but you know what you gunna get right?" I never thought o question that, I mean REALLY TRULY DEEPLY question it...until now!
ME...we are meeting again on a new level. I am so pleased to see you. Wow, we have so much catching up to do...I have missed you.
xx
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