Periods. Body Loathing. Just Usual Women's Stuff.

In recent times, I have maintained pretty good health. If you don't ask me to run anywhere fast, or for any length of time, I reckon I pass pretty well. Yet, since the birth of our last baby I have been experiencing extremely unpleasant pre-menstral symptoms and even more uncomfortable periods.

For about 3 years now, I have been on a quest to 'fix' this 'problem'. I have had scans, read literature, had acupuncture, myotherapy, sought naturopaths, did yoga, have meditated AND STILL I have pain. I have tried asking my body "what are you trying to tell me?".

Today, and I quite literally mean today, I am standing on the tippidy top of my down hill run into bloating, pain and excessive blood loss. But today, I am not broken.

I feel a bunch of learned people wanting to say "all you need to do is this...., all you need to do is that.....". BUT what I know to be true, is that I need to truly ask my body what it needs. In Lissa Rankin's newly released book, Mind Over Medicine Lissa talks of writing our own prescription. Asking our body what it needs, and creating space to listen. This is a game changer for me. When I ask my body "sweetheart, why in pain?" the reply is this:

"Please don't hate me. Please stop hating me. you have done this for so long. I am here to serve you and support you, but you want to avoid so many parts of me, like they are too scary to look at. I want you to feel whole and complete. I don't want you to suffer. Please nurture me more, especially during this phase. Please don't wait for me to act on your behalf and get you to rest this way. Please rest throughout the month. Please nurture me more with time and love. Please don't neglect me while you act on the behalf of others. Each month I remind you that you need to put yourself first. Not just say it, do it. I love you and I am inviting you to listen, really listen to these words. Can you say the same for me?"

Since I was a young girl, I disliked the package I chose to walk this life in. There has always been something that needed fixing. Pre teens it was my hair and body. Teens it was my skin, my hair, my bum, my thighs, my arms...you get the picture. This lead to me, at 16 joining a gym, getting a gym program and an eating program. I got an eating program off a woman (whom I know 20 years later had clearly been mislead and miseducated) who 'prescribed' me a meal replacement plan (yes shakes...AT 16)with a total of 800 calories.

Now even those of us who have never dieted (who might they be?) you know 800 calories is insufficient to support health and wellbeing in anyone, much less a wee 16 year old girl. This 16 year old girl wasn't even overweight! She was perfect weight. She was active. She was energetic. At the time my best friend was equally committed to 'fixing' herself and so she too joined the gym, was prescribed the 800 calorie a day meal replacement plan too. We were both elated that we would be very soon, fixed. It doesn't end so well, but you knew that.

From 16 to 21 I played to the belief that I was imperfect and needed fixing. I didn't have a period for this entire period of time. I was proud of this fact. It meant that I was underweight. It meant that I was getting fixed. It meant I would soon be perfect. I withheld food, then in private and usually with the support of my friend, we would demolish vast quantities of food in a sitting. This is commonly referred to as bingeing. Unlike my friend, I couldn't purge. So the food would stay in me..and I thought I might die! I seriously did. So, my next best option was to take large doses of laxatives to move it that way. It did. And for a good while I thought I had found my answer. This was how I would fix myself. Again..you know it doesn't end well.

Extreme pain, extreme urgency that meant that social gatherings were unpredictable. It meant that I couldn't exercise for 3 hours a day as I had been doing. It meant that I was petrified of what I would do if I stopped taking them. My inner knowing knew this was BAD for my health, but I just kept thinking if I just lose a few more kg, I'll stop. On my 18th birthday I weight 45kgs. I was the same height as I am now, and 45kgs. AND STILL I thought I was too heavy. STILL I was restricting. STILL I was broken. STILL needed to exercise for 2-3 hours a day!

Breath in, breath out. Far out, when I type that, it still takes my breath away. That I could have been that girl, and yet what I know to be true, is that most of us even in our adult life are still behaving in ways we were when we were younger. Just in more 'acceptable' ways. It is acceptable for an adult woman to be constantly on a diet. It is acceptable for us to loath our bodies. It is acceptable to be on a quest to fix ourselves. it is acceptable to avoid looking in the mirror. It is acceptable to complain about what is imperfect and broken. We do it all the time. And if we aren't doing it out a loud, we are doing it in private and torturing ourselves with the secrecy and self judgement. Aren't we?

Today, I am on the cusp of losing the inner lining of my uterus but gaining the opportunity to sit and embrace the amazing vessel my body is IN SPITE of all the torture I have put it through. By societal standards I may not be fixed and perfect, but for me, for this life I am in the perfect body, at the perfect time, with the perfect experience. For this, I am grateful. For this is the day that I acknowledge I am truly whole. And body, I want you to hear this:

"Thank you my gorgeous body for in spite of the way I have treated you over the years, you have never let me down. You daily support me in my quest to support others. Daily you give me what I need to live my fullest life. I am so sorry for not listening to you. Your wisdom has the capacity to have a profound impact on me, I know this because you have shown me this many times. You are soft and strong. You are flexible and supportive. You are healthy and intuitive. You are balanced and growing in love. You are the perfect home to my soul and the perfect vehicle for this life. You have produced 3 of the most adorable beings I have encountered and you did it even when I thought I was doing something wrong. You knew. You allow me to sit comfortably and write. You let me stand comfortably and walk (not so much run - which I love) and lay down comfortably when I need rest. You let me hear the laughter of my loved ones, you let me see the most amazing views and sights. Thank you that I can hear the beautiful music the world offers, the gorgeous stories from our children and my husband, hearing some of the most amazing stories from my friends and from strangers. Thank you that you allow me to feel. This is the most perfect body for me. Thank you for choosing me".

If you are curious what happened at 21 when something changed.....I'll fill you in during the next post.

Speak kindly to yourself.
Jen
xx