Time to Look Up?

Somestimes even with the best intention, the best preparation, the best circumstances we still don't meet ourselves in the place we anticiapted. Sometimes we are required to surrender our ego, and earthly efforts and ask for some support. It is in this moment of intention to change that the power is really unleashed!

I can pin point a defining moment in my life, when I said enough is enough. I needed some support to move forward. That point in my life was the first time I truely surrended to the circumstance and asked for help.

I was raised by a mother who tried her best, but she had limitations. Bipolar interferred with her ability to be consistant, present, connected to herself much less anyone else. The man she married; who up until I was 13 knew as my father, was housed in his frustration and lashed out physically on her...and sexually on me. They split up when I was 12 and we moved away. Since then, the man I knew as my father has attempted contact once.

I attempted to gain control over my life in my teens, it was a pretty tough place to be in my head. I developed and eating disorder. A painful, self destructive obsession locked me away from looking at my emotions. I was safe...but only in the short term. Mum endured countless hospital admissions during my teens. At sixteen I lived out of home and bordered at a home with a woman and her 2 children. I worked part time to support myself, while going to school full time. I moved away from the Gold Coast after university. 9 months into my first job, mum had a major episode and nearly lost her life. I came home to look after her. I was 21.

Any one of those defining moments could have resulted in my demise. It wasn't until after I had children and was challenged by an environment I couldn't control, I realised I didn't have the capacity to make it right on my own. I had always been self relient. Answered to myself. Did it myself. Then when my mum had two psychiatric admission practically back to back this year, I went to a very sad place within myself. I didn't know how to support her, when I resented her, was frustrated by her, was sad for her. The last episode was my awakening!

After this episode, I sat crying at the table. It was the first time I cried in front of my kids. My 4 year old saw me crying and said "mum, why are you sad?". I said I was sad because my mum wasn't feeling well and was in hospital. He responded with "Adults don't cry mummy......I'm going upstairs until you stop that silly crying". My heart broke. He was my mirror at that time. He was showing me how I dealt with sadness.He was my lesson, right there!!! Enough was enough...if not for me, but for my beautiful children.

That day, I made a choice. I made a choice to challenge my world. Challenge my past behaviours and do something new! It was the FIRST time I had asked for some support for me. Through all the dysfunction, through all the pain, I had never asked for help.

It isn't the responsibility of others to read our minds, to guess what we are feeling. We have to challenge the belief and stop using statements like "well they should know, isn't it obvious?". It isn't their place to translate the mixed messages. We have to stop saying "I'm ok" when we are far from it. It is not the responcibility of others to decypher a truth that we don't understand ourselves.

I ask for support when I need it. I honour myself when I can ask someone to help me to navigate the next turn. I don't give the decision to them, but I ask them to back me and if I fall....extend a hand to pick me up!

Today, my life is a different place. A real place. A place of growth, love, connection, direction, fun, adventure, passion, and me. And it all changed when I asked for support. It is as complicated and simple as that! I asked for support, but I did the work to come back to me.

Who supports you? Who do you ask for support from? Do they extend a hand to wlak with you, or are they extending a hand to pull you down. Seek support from those you believe add value to you life. Sometimes, we are not support enough for ourselves......

"For everyone of us that succeeds, it's because there's somebody there to show you the way out". (Oprah Winfrey)